Monday, December 2, 2013

It's been a while.

I know nobody probably reads this blog, but I still find myself drawn back to it at times. Like now, for instance, when I'm home all alone and thinking. Well, not completely alone; my 3 1/2 week old daughter, my cat, Jonathan's cat and dog are here too. But I'm mostly talking to myself today.

I've been thinking how much can change in just over a year. My last blog post was from last October, and in it I was talking about a song and what it has come to mean to me. Also, how I'm making my life be what I want it to be and still learning who I am and what I want. Well, I've learned a little more of what I want and I've also learned that sometimes life happens. By that, I mean that I wasn't ready for or trying to have a baby, but I've got one. Yes, we were taking precautions, but like I said, life happens. And now I have my dear San to raise and teach and love. Always to love.

The past few weeks have been very educational. Newborns cry, sometimes for no reason at all. They also poop. A lot. They like to eat when they decide it's time and to hell with any sort of schedule. First time moms like me can get overwhelmed really easy. Babies take a lot of energy and time. I'm glad that I didn't wind up with a baby any sooner. Sure, I would rather have waited, but life happens. Soon enough, I'll be Mrs. Jonathan Cooke, but for now I'm just glad I don't have to do this alone. Anyway, that's all for now.


- Lynda <3

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Late night musings....

So, I've been listening to my music...which happens to be a mixture of several different genres, tempos, vocal ranges, time periods and fads. I love my music. I can go from listening to The Fray, to an old Tracy Lawrence song, to Disturbed to Journey and all kinds of other things in between and love it all.

I was listening to Kelly Clarkson's Because of You - not the duet with Reba, and not the remix that's more pop, but the rendition she did alone. I really enjoy that version because there's "new" lyrics at the end. I say "new" because the first version I ever heard of this song was the duet with Reba. Don't get me wrong, I love the duet as well, but the version she did alone ends differently. Instead of another round of the chorus, you get a few more because of you's. Here's the lyrics:

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Now, the part that's highlighted is what's different. In the Reba duet, it cuts that part out. It's a little more...moving with the extra piece. Now, when I used to hear this song, I didn't have anyone to well, dedicate it to. See, most of the songs that I love have a person or a memory attached. For example, the song Strawberry Wine by Deana Carter brings back memories of when I was a kid and me and my mom would sing it together and I didn't entirely understand the song, but I liked it because it brought me closer to my mom. Eighteen Wheeler by Alabama was my older brother's favorite...I thought we'd wear out that spot on the cassette, the number of times we listened to it; and also it reminds me of my younger brother because he enjoys it so much. However, until my first heartbreak, I didn't have a memory connected with Because of You. It was at first only the memory of the young man who broke my heart. I've since moved on and wish him the best. After that it went back to a song that was more abstract than anything else. But more recently I've been doing some self-evaluating and self-exploring and there are two people that I connect the song with now. 

First, myself. I have let myself get into situations that ended with me being hurt more times than I care to admit. All the signs were there, but I refused to see them. I would look past the warnings to the apparent good in the situation and let it eclipse the bad. In such a way, it's because of me that I find myself so afraid, so unable to open up - I've gotten hurt so much that I'm afraid to let it happen again. 

Secondly, my mom. I love her, don't get me wrong, and she's a hardworking, caring individual who takes in all the strays. However, I've seen her walk into those situations where almost anyone else looking at it could see it would end badly, but no matter the number of times or which person said so, she wouldn't listen. I guess that's where I learned it from. Also, my mom was strict when I was young, which made me afraid to take a little risk, afraid to go out on a limb now and then just to experience a new sensation or a new situation. I was afraid to make new friends for fear of her disapproval and subsequent anger. I'm not saying that it's her fault that I am the way I am - my decisions have more to do with that than her past actions. However, every time I hear this song, it reminds me of that. Of how she would let herself be hurt. And I've learned now - what's beginning to seem like a habit that needs breaking - not to let anyone in too far, for fear of the hurt it can cause. Like the song says "I've learned the hard way to never let it get that far." From watching her, I learned that it's less hurtful to me if I don't let anyone in. I've learned to trust a few people, and let them it, but I cannot describe how difficult it's been to open up and become the me that's truly in here. 

The Lynda that's truly truly the honest-to-God real Lynda is still just blossoming into fullness. She's in here and she's getting better at putting away the mask and showing herself for everyone to see, rather than hiding and only letting the chosen few see. I'm learning that I'm not as much of a fraidy-cat as I thought; that I'm good at things and enjoy things I once thought were absurd and not worth the time it took to learn them. I'm still me, still writing and reading and doodling and enjoying what I do. I'm still a recently graduated draftsman who can argue with a classmate for hours about the pros and cons of brick or wood or stucco; I'm still the strange one who believes in fairies and angels and the energies that can be stored, cleansed and replaced in all kinds of gems, crystals, etc. and I'm still learning. I will never stop learning, I will never stop having fun, and I will never stop growing into a better person. I will create the life I want, even if it takes me a while. Soon I'll have a good job in a great place doing what I love and then I'll continue my education, and hell, get married and have kids at some point too. Right now, I'm content to be in love with Jonathan and to enjoy each day getting to know him better. I am becoming who I'm meant to be, this is me.

Lynda =)

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Day 2: A picture of the person you've been closest to longest.

My brother and I were always pretty close. That's changed since we don't live close to each other anymore, but that's okay. Things change; people change. But he's still the one I've been closest to longest. He's known me since before I was born.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Just a few changes....haha

I've changed my mind about a couple things and thought I'd let anyone who reads this know. I was thinking about getting tattoos, but I've decided not to. There are better things to spend my money on. I'm still just me, but that's all I've ever been really. Just thought i'd drop a line and say I've changed my mind. I tend to do that haha!!

Day one, 31 Day picture challenge

Well, this started on Facebook a year or so go, probably more, and I tried it in March 2011, but I couldn't keep with it. So, I'm doing it on Facebook and here in the hopes that I'll be able to keep up with it. Here goes!

Day One: A picture of yourself and 10 Facts:

1. I am Lynda Ann Wilson
2. I am an Aries, born April 11
3. I love to read
4. I enjoy watching Anime shows and movies
5. I love to learn new things
6. I am going to become an architect/interior designer
7. I am not very good at receiving compliments
8. I can usually see the good in others
9. I'm not always good at seeing the good in me
10. I am a bit nuts. =)
Well, there ya have it. See ya tomorrow! ;)
 

Friday, June 8, 2012

Nostalgia...and the future...hmmmmmmm

It's been a while...graduation was amazing. I am very glad that I was able to receive my Associate of Applied Sciences degree...very glad that I stuck with it, that education has always been made a priority in my life. It's a choice...hell, everything's a choice, isn't it? I've made some choices that don't make sense to a lot of people...but they make sense to me, and they are my choices after all. I'm the one who has to answer for them and live with the consequences, whatever they may be. I'm trying to live my life, become the best person I can be, and if that turns anyone away, so be it, because if they're gonna turn tail and run from the true me, then that's their loss. It's not up to me who likes me and who doesn't; it's up to me to be the best me I can be and let others make their choices. Live and let live; become a great person, helping others along the way. Can I be difficult at times? Yes, but so can everyone on this earth, and I don't do it on purpose. I feel like I'm not worth it once in a while...but there's someone sitting here right in front of me who argues with me until I agree that me being worthless is total bull crap. I know I'm a good person; sometimes it just takes another person's perspective to make me see that. I am who I am...even if I don't really know who that is yet. I'm beginning to see...a few things. I may be making a HUGE mistake, but on the other hand I may be on the right track for MY  kind of happy ending. Who can say? Only time will tell really. So then, the big question is WHO AM I? Well, let's try to answer that with a little trip down memory lane, and some ideas about what I'd like to do with my life, shall we?

My legal name is Lynda Ann Wilson. I was born April 11, 1992 at 12:53pm as Lynda Ann Plourd and proceeded to grow up in several different places till kindergarten. We settled in Boise, ID, for a couple years and then moved to Reserve, NM. We stayed there for almost ten years, moved to Phoenix, AZ, then Silverton, CO then Thatcher, AZ. I was there for a little over four years; mom for slightly less. I graduated with my A.A.S. in CADD on Friday, May 11, 2012 at 7:30p.m. I’m going to get a few tattoos, blue highlights in my hair, another set of piercings in my ears. And you know what? That may make me strange to a lot of people. But I don’t care. I know that the people who truly care about me will not judge me for my craziness. I’m not your average every day girl. I like getting down and dirty and getting things done. I enjoy learning how to work on an engine, or going mud bogging after the rain. I can take care of myself; I go well armed. I’m not a prissy girl and I don’t usually like to wear dresses and makeup, but I can when I feel it's necessary or fun. I would much rather be in jeans, an old t-shirt and my tennis shoes or boots. I love my long hair, but it’s usually up in a bun or ponytail or braided so that it’s out of the way. I wear a LOT of rings, necklaces, bracelets, and earrings. And at the same time, I can take all of the jewelry off and go get greasy under the hood of a car. I sort of know what I’m doing as far as mechanic work goes. I can diagnose things on a vehicle, and fix some of them. I am learning to use CAD programs to create houses and buildings and I’m learning that I love doing it. I love looking at architecture and deciding what I like and what I don’t and how things fit together and how a house flows. I’m going to be an architect. I’m going to do whatever I can to make the world a better place. Eventually I'm going to start a youth center/group home type of place for "throw-away" kids. And if all this makes me strange, I’m alright with that. And you know why?? Because I have some of the most amazing people in my life. I am beautiful. I am okay with being strange. And if anyone can’t handle me just the way I am, feel free to see yourself out of my life.I am living with Jonathan D. Cooke and you know, I’m starting to think we have a chance to make it. I have no idea if he feels the same, but he tells me often that he loves me; often enough that I know it’s true but not so often that he’s wearing it out or that it feels like he’s trying to convince himself of it…and I appreciate that. He’s the only guy I’ve ever dated that didn’t promise me everything right off. In another life, I might have made different decisions…but I’ll never know the consequences of that, because I didn’t make those decisions. *shrug* Do I move too fast? Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. Maybe it’s just that it’s time for me to live my own life, be my own person and create my own opinions. I need to figure out what I’m doing with myself, who I am going to shape myself into…I have some ideas, but now I have to put them into practice...maybe I will reconcile myself to who I used to be…or maybe I will become someone entirely different, someone that nobody expected or could have predicted…that sounds like a good plan. Who am I? Is still the million dollar question…and I’m ready to figure that out…. 
 

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Bittersweet

GRADUATION is less than 10 days away. I am 20, gonna have my associate's degree in Computer Assissted Design and Drafting Technology, and I'm not sure anymore who I really am. I'm figuring it out though. I'm not that timid girl I once was; I have an attitude and I know how to use it and if that makes me a b*&%$ then so be it. I will not let myself be played. And I'm glad I can stand up for myself, glad my mom taught me that. I'm glad that I can take a stand. Am I confusing? Yes. Is it hard to understand me? Most definitely. Do I care? Not really. I am who I am and I will no longer put on a mask to please others. If that makes me rude, well, too bad. I've got a backbone, I'm growing up and learning that the world ain't all wine and roses and maybe I won't have a fairytale ending, but so what! I'm going to live my life to the fullest. I am who I am, your approval is not needed. This is me. Maybe I've just got some growing up to do. Maybe I was totally wrong in what I read from the situation. But you know what? I often have wondered "What if?" and this is what I think. These are some of the things I've learned over the years:


Have you ever wondered what if? What if you had taken that chance? What if you hadn't? What if you had never made that mistake? What if you had made a worse one? What if things had worked out differently? WHAT IF? We all wonder sometimes, but it's kind of pointless. You can wonder what if and live in the past or you can know that everything happens for a reason and live in the present. I choose to live in the here and now. I choose to not wonder what if and to just have faith that everything will work out for the best.


Love is just like life: it's what you make of it. If you never try, you never learn anything. If you never fall down, you'll never learn how to get back up. If you never have your heart broken, you'll never learn how to heal. Just because he/she decided that your connection wasn't strong enough does not mean that you are not good enough. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. Life is all about change, and about learning to cope with those changes. Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. I know how hard that can be, trust me. I thought that I was empty, without strength, with only hate left. It's there for a while, but it's not a permanent thing. You learn to see the good in people again. I'm not saying it's easy, or fast, or that it'll be a complete renewal in your faith in humanity. I'm still regaining mine. All I'm saying is that things change. People change. Life changes. You can change the outcome based on your attitude. What counts now is how you deal with this challenge that's been set before you. Life is what you make it; make it GREAT!

Well, sometimes life sucks. Sometimes when we need people the most, they turn their backs. And sometimes, the people you thought knew you the best didn’t really know you at all. I refuse to be controlled by another person. There’s someone out there for me, someone who will love me regardless of my scars and mistakes, regardless of my ink and my choice of beverage. Someone who will take me as I am and forget the rest of the world and what they think. Someone who will get to know me for me and who will love EVERY PART OF ME.

Is it too much to ask to be accepted for who you are? No changes, no buts, no wishy washy bullshit? Is it too much to ask that if you can’t accept me for who I am, you turn and walk away? Is it too much to ask? Am I doomed to only find people who can’t accept me? I don’t think so…however, it’s hard to know sometimes what’s in store. It’s time to take my life in my own hands and to show the whole world who I am, the good I can do, and the things I can create. It’s time to listen to the people who keep telling me that I’m amazing and to make my life the best I can. Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it. I’m gonna make it amazing and take it with a grain of salt and a smile. I can survive anything that life throws my way.
I have so many true friends that I thought weren’t and so many who weren’t that I thought were. This is one of those times where you realize who really matters in your life. You see who was only a “fair weather” friend and who’s always been there. You come to know just how much those who will always be there really care. You realize that they’re not just friends; they’re extended family.
All my friends and family members will support me in this. They see the good in me and I’m starting to see it too. That makes me happier than anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. Just knowing that they’ll be there for me makes this all seem so much easier. I’m not all broken up over my break-up and am I worried about that? Hell no. I’m taking life as it comes, one day at a time. I’m gonna get me a tattoo or two and I’m going to become an interior designer. I’m going to help people create their dream homes. And in my spare time, I’m going to start a youth center/group home called Compassion’s Flame. It’s going to be a place for kids to come and play and learn and hang out and crash for the night if need be. It’s going to be a place for an extended family. I’m going to find a guy who’s right for me and we’re gonna get married and have kids of our own. We’re going to design and build our dream home. We’re going to see our kids through school and onto whatever career path they choose. And then we’re going to grow old together and enjoy what we can. I’m going to start this path by finishing my associate’s degree and moving to Maricopa with my mom. Then I’m gonna get a job and start attending classes at ASU or UofA or whichever university I can afford to go to.

"...when you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew you never knew..." - Pocahontas Why can't we all understand this? That whether we be white, black, brown or purple, whether we be some form of Christian or Buddhist or Wicca or what-have-you, whether we are happy, sad, angry or resigned, whether we want to change the world or just live in it, no matter what we are, we are all human and we all need to understand that.

If we all tried to make the world a better place, it would become a better place. So what are you going to do to make the world better? I am going to do everything I can...starting with a smile =)

I may not be sure of anything, but I am who I am. Anyone’s approval is not needed.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Flying HIGH on a tide of compliments.

Hello....

     I AM SO HAPPY! Sorry, just had to get that out. I've been skipping and running and I have more energy than I really know what to do with right now. I'm just sooooooo intensely happy. I've found someone in my life who takes me as I am, tells me I'm beautiful and amazing, and who wouldn't want me to change for any reason. He may be older than me, he may be a bad boy with an attitude and a darkish past, but you know what? I have a bad girl attitude and my past, well it ain't the brightest. He's made mistakes; so have I. We aren't concentrating on the past; we're looking to a future together where we can grow as a couple. I want tattoos; so does he. I cuss like a sailor; so does he. He lives in Albuquerque and I live in Thatcher....problem? Not really. Why? Well, because he's willing to move down here for me. He knows I'm headed to Phoenix in May, and he's willing to come up there. He knows he needs a job; who doesn't these days? He's trying to get back on his feet. I'm trying to get on my feet for the first time. One hell of a match aren't we? But the thing is, he doesn't want me to change. He tells me I'm amazing and beautiful and when I'm down on myself he argues against me until I agree with him. He won't give up or back down. He's my angel, my saving grace, my one and only, my Paj and I am never going to let him go. <3

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Life...love...me...people who accept you the way you are. Yeah, another day in paradise!

Hello all!

    I'm hoping that this doesn't come out as a mess but that's how it feels in my head, so I'm just going to roll with it. Life is better. I decided on what tattoo I want. Actually, I've decided on several, but that's a discussion for later. I lost my relationship with Levi, but I'm not that fussed about it, surprisingly. I have started realizing who my real friends are. They're the ones who accept me exactly as I am, no changes wanted or needed. They take me, my crazy ideas, my bad manners, my foul mouth, and everything else and they love me anyway. And you know, I really don't feel all that bad that Levi and I aren't together. Did I think I was falling in love with him? Yeah, I kinda did. Was I prepared to maybe marry him? Yeah, I might have been. But, am I ever going to be able to be caged by someone who's supposed to love me? HELL NO! I will not stand here and let someone make me feel bad because of my decision to be free. I am my own person and I may not always choose the best path, but I learn from my mistakes. I may upset and offend people on a regular basis, but I'm not going to apologize for how I feel. If I have to watch what I say around you just so that I don't offend you, I'm not gonna hang around you that often. Do I have a foul mouth? Yeah, sometimes I do. Do I know that there are other ways to express myself? Yes, yes I do. However, there are times when I don't want to use different words to express myself. I want to rant and rave and be angry and cuss even though I know I don't have to. There are times when cuss words are the only ones that you feel can fully express what you're trying to say. So, I have a potty mouth. So what? So, I make jokes about alcohol and I want a tattoo or two or more. SO WHAT? I am who I am and I will not become someone else just because one person asks me to. I will not change who I am at the core for one person. I refused to change my core beliefs for a man my mother married; I'm sure as hell not going to do it for a boy who can't even tell his parents to butt out of his decisions. I am who I am and if you can't handle me, you don't need to be in my life. It's simple as this: If you love me, you have to love every part of me. You have to be able to accept my foul language and my ink and the fact that I'm not always the brightest Crayola in the pack. You have to understand that even though I may offend you, if I was in the wrong, I will apologize in my own good time. You have to realize that I am an individual, I am a free spirit and I will NOT  be told how high I can fly. I will not allow anyone to clip my wings and if that means making an enemy out of someone I thought I loved, so be it. I've got plenty of people who accept me exactly as I am and who don't care how I express myself or how much I say stupid things, they love me anyway. My mom. My brothers. My true friends. My people. I'm never letting them go because they make me realize how good I truly am. I am beautiful because I know my flaws. I am a lover because I am a fighter. I am strong because I have been weak. I am wise because I have been foolish. I am able to stand up for myself because I've been walked on. If you can't handle that, don't let the door hit you in the behind on your way out of my life. Don't try to fix me; I'm not broken.

Sorry about the rant, but I just had to get it out. At least it's less of a mess than it was in my head! <3

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

People sometimes suck...just sayin'.

I hate being judged. I especially hate being judged by the people who are supposed to be closest to me and who are supposed to love me no matter what. So, I want a tattoo, big deal! "Your body is a temple" yeah? How many temples have you seen with no artwork? "That's what jewelry is for." Jewelry doesn't express all the things a tattoo can. I make jokes about alcohol. So what? I don't care who you are or how you were raised, it is NOT your place to judge me or anyone else. I will not stand here and let anyone tell me that I can't get a tattoo if I want one. Do I have the money right now? No. Do I know exactly what I want? Not yet. Am I going to not get one because someone told me not to? HELL NO! Just because someone says the air isn't safe to breathe, will you stop breathing? No. So why should I not get my tat just cause someone said not to? Exactly. If someone told you that just to belong to a certain group of people you had to jump off a cliff and if you survived you were in, would you jump? I sure as hell wouldn't. So, I'm gonna get me that tattoo, and if it costs me my current boyfriend, well, I guess it wasn't meant to be. If you can't handle me how I am, tats, potty mouth, crazy family and all, then you don't deserve me in your life. I let you in, and I can make you get out.

Me = bad mood = ranting on my blog!

Friday, March 2, 2012

Bleh...Friday?

I'm working at the lab till 2 today. Not feeling too good, but hey, that's life. Either I ate something bad for me, or I'm getting the flu which would suck! I don't know....well, I don't know much today. Just kinda blah. Hope y'all have a great Friday though!

<3