Late night musings....

So, I've been listening to my music...which happens to be a mixture of several different genres, tempos, vocal ranges, time periods and fads. I love my music. I can go from listening to The Fray, to an old Tracy Lawrence song, to Disturbed to Journey and all kinds of other things in between and love it all.

I was listening to Kelly Clarkson's Because of You - not the duet with Reba, and not the remix that's more pop, but the rendition she did alone. I really enjoy that version because there's "new" lyrics at the end. I say "new" because the first version I ever heard of this song was the duet with Reba. Don't get me wrong, I love the duet as well, but the version she did alone ends differently. Instead of another round of the chorus, you get a few more because of you's. Here's the lyrics:

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Now, the part that's highlighted is what's different. In the Reba duet, it cuts that part out. It's a little more...moving with the extra piece. Now, when I used to hear this song, I didn't have anyone to well, dedicate it to. See, most of the songs that I love have a person or a memory attached. For example, the song Strawberry Wine by Deana Carter brings back memories of when I was a kid and me and my mom would sing it together and I didn't entirely understand the song, but I liked it because it brought me closer to my mom. Eighteen Wheeler by Alabama was my older brother's favorite...I thought we'd wear out that spot on the cassette, the number of times we listened to it; and also it reminds me of my younger brother because he enjoys it so much. However, until my first heartbreak, I didn't have a memory connected with Because of You. It was at first only the memory of the young man who broke my heart. I've since moved on and wish him the best. After that it went back to a song that was more abstract than anything else. But more recently I've been doing some self-evaluating and self-exploring and there are two people that I connect the song with now. 

First, myself. I have let myself get into situations that ended with me being hurt more times than I care to admit. All the signs were there, but I refused to see them. I would look past the warnings to the apparent good in the situation and let it eclipse the bad. In such a way, it's because of me that I find myself so afraid, so unable to open up - I've gotten hurt so much that I'm afraid to let it happen again. 

Secondly, my mom. I love her, don't get me wrong, and she's a hardworking, caring individual who takes in all the strays. However, I've seen her walk into those situations where almost anyone else looking at it could see it would end badly, but no matter the number of times or which person said so, she wouldn't listen. I guess that's where I learned it from. Also, my mom was strict when I was young, which made me afraid to take a little risk, afraid to go out on a limb now and then just to experience a new sensation or a new situation. I was afraid to make new friends for fear of her disapproval and subsequent anger. I'm not saying that it's her fault that I am the way I am - my decisions have more to do with that than her past actions. However, every time I hear this song, it reminds me of that. Of how she would let herself be hurt. And I've learned now - what's beginning to seem like a habit that needs breaking - not to let anyone in too far, for fear of the hurt it can cause. Like the song says "I've learned the hard way to never let it get that far." From watching her, I learned that it's less hurtful to me if I don't let anyone in. I've learned to trust a few people, and let them it, but I cannot describe how difficult it's been to open up and become the me that's truly in here. 

The Lynda that's truly truly the honest-to-God real Lynda is still just blossoming into fullness. She's in here and she's getting better at putting away the mask and showing herself for everyone to see, rather than hiding and only letting the chosen few see. I'm learning that I'm not as much of a fraidy-cat as I thought; that I'm good at things and enjoy things I once thought were absurd and not worth the time it took to learn them. I'm still me, still writing and reading and doodling and enjoying what I do. I'm still a recently graduated draftsman who can argue with a classmate for hours about the pros and cons of brick or wood or stucco; I'm still the strange one who believes in fairies and angels and the energies that can be stored, cleansed and replaced in all kinds of gems, crystals, etc. and I'm still learning. I will never stop learning, I will never stop having fun, and I will never stop growing into a better person. I will create the life I want, even if it takes me a while. Soon I'll have a good job in a great place doing what I love and then I'll continue my education, and hell, get married and have kids at some point too. Right now, I'm content to be in love with Jonathan and to enjoy each day getting to know him better. I am becoming who I'm meant to be, this is me.

Lynda =)