Bittersweet

GRADUATION is less than 10 days away. I am 20, gonna have my associate's degree in Computer Assissted Design and Drafting Technology, and I'm not sure anymore who I really am. I'm figuring it out though. I'm not that timid girl I once was; I have an attitude and I know how to use it and if that makes me a b*&%$ then so be it. I will not let myself be played. And I'm glad I can stand up for myself, glad my mom taught me that. I'm glad that I can take a stand. Am I confusing? Yes. Is it hard to understand me? Most definitely. Do I care? Not really. I am who I am and I will no longer put on a mask to please others. If that makes me rude, well, too bad. I've got a backbone, I'm growing up and learning that the world ain't all wine and roses and maybe I won't have a fairytale ending, but so what! I'm going to live my life to the fullest. I am who I am, your approval is not needed. This is me. Maybe I've just got some growing up to do. Maybe I was totally wrong in what I read from the situation. But you know what? I often have wondered "What if?" and this is what I think. These are some of the things I've learned over the years:


Have you ever wondered what if? What if you had taken that chance? What if you hadn't? What if you had never made that mistake? What if you had made a worse one? What if things had worked out differently? WHAT IF? We all wonder sometimes, but it's kind of pointless. You can wonder what if and live in the past or you can know that everything happens for a reason and live in the present. I choose to live in the here and now. I choose to not wonder what if and to just have faith that everything will work out for the best.

Love is just like life: it's what you make of it. If you never try, you never learn anything. If you never fall down, you'll never learn how to get back up. If you never have your heart broken, you'll never learn how to heal. Just because he/she decided that your connection wasn't strong enough does not mean that you are not good enough. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. Life is all about change, and about learning to cope with those changes. Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. I know how hard that can be, trust me. I thought that I was empty, without strength, with only hate left. It's there for a while, but it's not a permanent thing. You learn to see the good in people again. I'm not saying it's easy, or fast, or that it'll be a complete renewal in your faith in humanity. I'm still regaining mine. All I'm saying is that things change. People change. Life changes. You can change the outcome based on your attitude. What counts now is how you deal with this challenge that's been set before you. Life is what you make it; make it GREAT!

Well, sometimes life sucks. Sometimes when we need people the most, they turn their backs. And sometimes, the people you thought knew you the best didn’t really know you at all. I refuse to be controlled by another person. There’s someone out there for me, someone who will love me regardless of my scars and mistakes, regardless of my ink and my choice of beverage. Someone who will take me as I am and forget the rest of the world and what they think. Someone who will get to know me for me and who will love EVERY PART OF ME.

Is it too much to ask to be accepted for who you are? No changes, no buts, no wishy washy bullshit? Is it too much to ask that if you can’t accept me for who I am, you turn and walk away? Is it too much to ask? Am I doomed to only find people who can’t accept me? I don’t think so…however, it’s hard to know sometimes what’s in store. It’s time to take my life in my own hands and to show the whole world who I am, the good I can do, and the things I can create. It’s time to listen to the people who keep telling me that I’m amazing and to make my life the best I can. Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it. I’m gonna make it amazing and take it with a grain of salt and a smile. I can survive anything that life throws my way.

I have so many true friends that I thought weren’t and so many who weren’t that I thought were. This is one of those times where you realize who really matters in your life. You see who was only a “fair weather” friend and who’s always been there. You come to know just how much those who will always be there really care. You realize that they’re not just friends; they’re extended family.

All my friends and family members will support me in this. They see the good in me and I’m starting to see it too. That makes me happier than anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. Just knowing that they’ll be there for me makes this all seem so much easier. I’m not all broken up over my break-up and am I worried about that? Hell no. I’m taking life as it comes, one day at a time. I’m gonna get me a tattoo or two and I’m going to become an interior designer. I’m going to help people create their dream homes. And in my spare time, I’m going to start a youth center/group home called Compassion’s Flame. It’s going to be a place for kids to come and play and learn and hang out and crash for the night if need be. It’s going to be a place for an extended family. I’m going to find a guy who’s right for me and we’re gonna get married and have kids of our own. We’re going to design and build our dream home. We’re going to see our kids through school and onto whatever career path they choose. And then we’re going to grow old together and enjoy what we can. I’m going to start this path by finishing my associate’s degree and moving to Maricopa with my mom. Then I’m gonna get a job and start attending classes at ASU or UofA or whichever university I can afford to go to.

"...when you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew you never knew..." - Pocahontas Why can't we all understand this? That whether we be white, black, brown or purple, whether we be some form of Christian or Buddhist or Wicca or what-have-you, whether we are happy, sad, angry or resigned, whether we want to change the world or just live in it, no matter what we are, we are all human and we all need to understand that.

If we all tried to make the world a better place, it would become a better place. So what are you going to do to make the world better? I am going to do everything I can...starting with a smile =)

I may not be sure of anything, but I am who I am. Anyone’s approval is not needed.

Flying HIGH on a tide of compliments.

Hello....

     I AM SO HAPPY! Sorry, just had to get that out. I've been skipping and running and I have more energy than I really know what to do with right now. I'm just sooooooo intensely happy. I've found someone in my life who takes me as I am, tells me I'm beautiful and amazing, and who wouldn't want me to change for any reason. He may be older than me, he may be a bad boy with an attitude and a darkish past, but you know what? I have a bad girl attitude and my past, well it ain't the brightest. He's made mistakes; so have I. We aren't concentrating on the past; we're looking to a future together where we can grow as a couple. I want tattoos; so does he. I cuss like a sailor; so does he. He lives in Albuquerque and I live in Thatcher....problem? Not really. Why? Well, because he's willing to move down here for me. He knows I'm headed to Phoenix in May, and he's willing to come up there. He knows he needs a job; who doesn't these days? He's trying to get back on his feet. I'm trying to get on my feet for the first time. One hell of a match aren't we? But the thing is, he doesn't want me to change. He tells me I'm amazing and beautiful and when I'm down on myself he argues against me until I agree with him. He won't give up or back down. He's my angel, my saving grace, my one and only, my Paj and I am never going to let him go. <3

Life...love...me...people who accept you the way you are. Yeah, another day in paradise!

Hello all!

    I'm hoping that this doesn't come out as a mess but that's how it feels in my head, so I'm just going to roll with it. Life is better. I decided on what tattoo I want. Actually, I've decided on several, but that's a discussion for later. I lost my relationship with Levi, but I'm not that fussed about it, surprisingly. I have started realizing who my real friends are. They're the ones who accept me exactly as I am, no changes wanted or needed. They take me, my crazy ideas, my bad manners, my foul mouth, and everything else and they love me anyway. And you know, I really don't feel all that bad that Levi and I aren't together. Did I think I was falling in love with him? Yeah, I kinda did. Was I prepared to maybe marry him? Yeah, I might have been. But, am I ever going to be able to be caged by someone who's supposed to love me? HELL NO! I will not stand here and let someone make me feel bad because of my decision to be free. I am my own person and I may not always choose the best path, but I learn from my mistakes. I may upset and offend people on a regular basis, but I'm not going to apologize for how I feel. If I have to watch what I say around you just so that I don't offend you, I'm not gonna hang around you that often. Do I have a foul mouth? Yeah, sometimes I do. Do I know that there are other ways to express myself? Yes, yes I do. However, there are times when I don't want to use different words to express myself. I want to rant and rave and be angry and cuss even though I know I don't have to. There are times when cuss words are the only ones that you feel can fully express what you're trying to say. So, I have a potty mouth. So what? So, I make jokes about alcohol and I want a tattoo or two or more. SO WHAT? I am who I am and I will not become someone else just because one person asks me to. I will not change who I am at the core for one person. I refused to change my core beliefs for a man my mother married; I'm sure as hell not going to do it for a boy who can't even tell his parents to butt out of his decisions. I am who I am and if you can't handle me, you don't need to be in my life. It's simple as this: If you love me, you have to love every part of me. You have to be able to accept my foul language and my ink and the fact that I'm not always the brightest Crayola in the pack. You have to understand that even though I may offend you, if I was in the wrong, I will apologize in my own good time. You have to realize that I am an individual, I am a free spirit and I will NOT  be told how high I can fly. I will not allow anyone to clip my wings and if that means making an enemy out of someone I thought I loved, so be it. I've got plenty of people who accept me exactly as I am and who don't care how I express myself or how much I say stupid things, they love me anyway. My mom. My brothers. My true friends. My people. I'm never letting them go because they make me realize how good I truly am. I am beautiful because I know my flaws. I am a lover because I am a fighter. I am strong because I have been weak. I am wise because I have been foolish. I am able to stand up for myself because I've been walked on. If you can't handle that, don't let the door hit you in the behind on your way out of my life. Don't try to fix me; I'm not broken.

Sorry about the rant, but I just had to get it out. At least it's less of a mess than it was in my head! <3

People sometimes suck...just sayin'.

I hate being judged. I especially hate being judged by the people who are supposed to be closest to me and who are supposed to love me no matter what. So, I want a tattoo, big deal! "Your body is a temple" yeah? How many temples have you seen with no artwork? "That's what jewelry is for." Jewelry doesn't express all the things a tattoo can. I make jokes about alcohol. So what? I don't care who you are or how you were raised, it is NOT your place to judge me or anyone else. I will not stand here and let anyone tell me that I can't get a tattoo if I want one. Do I have the money right now? No. Do I know exactly what I want? Not yet. Am I going to not get one because someone told me not to? HELL NO! Just because someone says the air isn't safe to breathe, will you stop breathing? No. So why should I not get my tat just cause someone said not to? Exactly. If someone told you that just to belong to a certain group of people you had to jump off a cliff and if you survived you were in, would you jump? I sure as hell wouldn't. So, I'm gonna get me that tattoo, and if it costs me my current boyfriend, well, I guess it wasn't meant to be. If you can't handle me how I am, tats, potty mouth, crazy family and all, then you don't deserve me in your life. I let you in, and I can make you get out.

Me = bad mood = ranting on my blog!

Bleh...Friday?

I'm working at the lab till 2 today. Not feeling too good, but hey, that's life. Either I ate something bad for me, or I'm getting the flu which would suck! I don't know....well, I don't know much today. Just kinda blah. Hope y'all have a great Friday though!

<3

Monday blues

Working in the lab today until 7. Woke up with a headache and should have stayed in bed. It's been one of those days when I should have just stayed in bed because everything seems to be going wrong. I forgot a couple things at the house that I really needed. I just need to go back to bed. It's perfect cuddle weather....and I'm hungry. *sigh* oh well, that's life I suppose. Tuesdays are always better!!!

 <3

Hello All!!!
     
          Welcome to a day in the life of me! Today is a good day. I am up early, eating breakfast, going to stretch after I eat, and then Talanna's coming to get me. We are going to Phoenix today to visit her family and my mom! I'm EXCITED! Haven't ever gone on a road trip with Talanna but we always have fun together! After we get back there's the Big Buck Contest at the fairgrounds that we're going to. Hopefully I get to see Levi there!!! I love life!

Peace!